Update

I have seen SO MANY MOVIES!

I'm in a movie COMA!

Ok in the past month or two I've seen.

• Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End
• Spiderman Three
• Shrek the Third
• Knocked Up
• Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
• Live Free or Die Hard
• Meet the Robinson's
  
• Hot Fuzz

(In No Particular Order)

and have rented

• Carlitos Way
• Marie Antoinette
• Happy Feet
  
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• Hard Candy
• Crash

And omg I was not disappointed by ANY OF THEM [except for maybe Fantastic Four and Shrek but I knew I was going to be so that's ok)

I don't really have time to talk about them all so I'll give you the ratings and why to's and the how for's.

POTC: At Worlds End: 8.5 YOHO's/10

Pirates was good, not great, but good. Johnny did his Johnny thing Orlando and Keira continued to not to be able to act, Bill Nighy was still somehow sexy as a squid faced man, Davy Jones crew CONTINUED to freak me out, Geoffry Rush was awesome, Yun Phat Chow was his normal pimp self and the rest of the crew did what they where told to do. The effects where AWESOME, so much better than the second one. Although they could have done so much more, they impressed me [although that ain't so hard to do anymore]. I was glad as all get out that the movie was so long, it didn't seem like much was cut and that makes me happy, I like a nice long pirate movie, since the second one was such shit.

Oh and Norrington dies... that PISSED ME OFF! FUCK YOU DISNEY! YOU KILLED MY MAN!


Spiderman 3[mo]: 6 crying emo bitches/10

Well what can I say about series I've hated since the beginning? Nothing else then, when are they going to get actors that can act? Other than Kirstin Dunst and [Whose only good accomplishment that I've seen is Marie Antoinette] James Franco and my hero Thomas Hayden Church, the rest of the cast can kiss it, ESPECIALLY that piece of no good Tobey Maguire. At first I gave this movie a 7.5, but after reviewing it again in my mind I began to realize what a piece of garbage it was. Sure it was fun, but it had no direction, seriously, the only thing it was leading up to was the final battle. Venom was cool but just wasn't featured enough, this movie I say was definitely not long enough, although run time was at 140 minutes the movie just felt like it was lacking. Sure I had fun, it just wasn't that good of a movie.


Shrek the third: 6 fat green babies/10

How sad was I too see this movie? Very very sad, it's like everything in the world has to come in three's anymore. Shrek one broke the mold with it's witty humor and it's amazing animation, Shrek 2 was a boatload of laughs with the ability to watch it over and over again, and quite possibly surpassing its predecessor in style. Shrek the Third, was long, slightly amusing, and too preachy. Sure it was funny, I mean who wouldn't laugh at Eric Idle as Merlin or Kung Fu princesses? But it just wasn't enough to save this movie, I'll buy it when it comes out to complete the collection, but that's all.


Knocked Up: 8.99 Jew sperms attacking the pretty greys anatomy girls E! Television anchor's eggs/10

Oh boy, I swear to you, if you haven't seen this movie yet, get your ass to the theater, or have it pre-ordered at your local video store. This movie was so much fun, not only for couples, but for anyone who has been in a situation where they didn't know how to get out of with someone they don't exactly get on with. Katherine Hegal, the girl who plays Alison in this movie, was beautiful, funny and amazing, she truly lights up a screen. Seth Rogen plays Ben Stone the fun loving party guy who just happens to be funny enough to get a drunk Alison in to bed, couple weeks later, guess who's preggers? It's a great fun film from the guy's who brought you the 40 year old Virgin, I can't wait for what they come up with next.


Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: 5 amazingly pretty silver men/10

I don't wanna talk about it.


Meet the Robinson's: 7 cute little blond haired kids/10

This movie was cute, educational, beautiful, and fun. It was definitely a kids movie, adults would like this movie, only if they have children. It was fun and makes your heart have butterflies and your eye tear up a bit, but it's not the kind of movie that we young adults would watch on a normal basis.


Hot Fuzz: 9.5/10

AHHHH!!!!! OMGIWASWATINGFORTHISMOVIETOCOMEOUTFORSOLONGOMG!

If you could read that, you're amazing. As many people know I am a HUGE Shaun of the Dead fan, and even more a HUGE Simon Pegg Fan and when I found out the boys from Shaun of the Dead where going to come around and do an action movie... I won't lie, I almost pooped muhself. I try my best not to get too excited or have expectations for movies, but sometimes, when you love a movie so much, as I do Shaun of the Dead, you can't help but want another one.

In this movie Simon Pegg plays Sgt. Nicholas Angel, a London cop, that's simply too good. He makes the rest of the force look like kids, so they decide to relocate him to a sleepy village in the country, that hasn't had a murder in over 20 years. But a lot of people seem to be dying by "accident"... hrrm conspiracy?! Nicolas Angels sure thinks so, and I won't go against what he says. He's too good looking.

Of course Angel is pissed, he liked the rough and tough streets of London (Never thought I'd ever say that) and now they're sending him to a place where nothing happens. Poor Mr. Angel. Soon he meets up with everyones blumbering Best Friend Danny Butterman (Nick Frost) who plays the drunk action movie obsessed son of the police Chief. They're are a couple guest appearances by our favorite people around here, Billy Nighy is the Chief Inspector Kenneth, my boyfriends favorite character from Shaun, the cockacidal maniac even has a part in the movie.

The movie is excellent, just the right amount of action, suspense, drama, gore, thriller, comedy you need and except from these boys. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD so I can watch it over and over and over again.


Tomorrow I'll write the review for Live Free or Die Hard and hopefully within the next week do my DVD reviews for the ones I rented.

-Jess

Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End

Yes I know, it's early, it;s early, are you crazy? Jeeze woman will you wait at least until it comes out?!

I will take the second question first, of which the answer is noo, and the first one *gets shot in the heart with an arrow*

Ok so May 25, the new pirates movie is coming out and boooy does it look dramatic. I saw the trailer for it today and I'm actually excited, Mister Yun-Fat "motha fuckin" Chow is gonna be in it! How much more could that rock!?

As you guy's remember, I wasn't a big fan of the second one, although I love Davey Jones; it just left TOO many loose ends, even for a sequal, there was no ending, and that botehrs me.

Here's the link to the trailer, have fun.

And boy does it look pretty.

-Jess

P.S. Keith Richards is said to make an appearance as Jack's father... that might be interesting, he won't need makeup that's for sure.

300

All I can say is... EEEEE!











That's really it, have a nice night folks!







All right you know I wouldn't do that to ya'll, I'm just too nice of a person :D

I won't say this was my favorite movie in the world, and I'm usually pretty keen on movies like this, but dammit if I can't say it's made it in to my top twenty.

Now I'm sure everyone has read some review of this movie or another, but the box office says it all, this movie has killed!... in the literal sense.

I'm sure you all know the story by now, King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) is the king of the Spartans, at this time in history the Persians were basically taking over the known world. King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) sends messengers to Leonidas's kingdom asking him to bow to Xerxes. The king being the man that he is, laughs in the face of the messenger and has him and his guards killed. (You saw it in the commercial you know "THIS IS SPAAARTA!" with all the spit and glory) From then on Leonidas goes to the oracles to be given permission to go war, but the oracle says no, Sparta will fall. So the king once again be the man that he is, goes against Spartan law and takes 300 of his "personal bodyguards" to fight the legions of Xerxes men.

What I love is that this movie is from the perspective of not only the king, but the man that he sends back to Sparta, Dilios (David Wenham) who is a gifted speaker as well as warrior.

And now for King Leonidas's vacation photos!

"Yea that's me and my girl, tellin off this bitch that was all like "stand down homie" and I was all like ya know "fuck you!"

"And this is my you don't fuck with Sparta face"

"This is my buddy Donny, yea he got all pissed off when I said there was no frickin way that he was an "immortal" so he put on some Halloween get up and came and chased me down with like 4 or 5 thousand of his friends"

"Oh this is my favorite, this is Xerxes, he's all screaming because of the biting beetles we put in his bed, funny shit man!"

What I love about this movie is how stylized it was, and although I've never read the comic book (I want to now) I've seen pictures online of people who have compared the book to the movie, at least the look of it, and WOW. Google the movies and go to images and just search through, you'll find the comparisons relatively quickly. It really was a beautiful movie, they were really able to put you in this world using almost every scene being filmed in front of a blue screen. That usually puts me off but this time it really worked, I mean the animals were more fake then I've seen in a long time, they looked more silly than the vampires in Van Helsing (Sadly the wonderful David Wenham is in that as Carl the silly monk... he was the best part I say *shudders*)

Now I will say this, the movie drug on a bit and although the battle scenes were TOP notch, it was almost silly at times. But that's what I get for comic to movie, I said the same thing about Batman Begins (Which is one of my all time favorites mind you). A lot of people complained the King Leonidas was a bit loud, you know screamed a whole lot, but that wasn't a problem with me, I realized for the time period, he might have actually been like that, I mean he had an army of men to try and inspire to push on.

And push they did!

The thing that really made me happy, and this is coming from a female perspective, was the tasteful use of the female body. And although the part with the young virgin with the oracles was perverse, the female figure was used beautifully. The other time was with the Queen Gorgo (Lena Heady), when Leonidas and her made love for what would probably be their last time; it was beautiful, it was sensual, it was tasteful(And damn was she lovin it, I was waiting for a McDonalds ad to pop up in the corner, with a little Ronald McDonald smilin away). The last time of course being the rape scene between the evil senator Theron (Dominic West) and the queen who was giving herself to him, to hopefully get his vote to have the senate send troops to her husband.

I haven't said much about Queen Gorgo, simply because I don't want to ruin her with words. She was the most redeeming part of this movie, I want a little on of her standing on my desk, she just has to sit there and be herself. She was wonderful, I wont' give away everything about her, but there is this part at the end where she gives the evil senator Theron his just desserts.

I give 300 8.5 our of 300 scantily dressed men in leather underpants looking all MmMmMmm out of 10.

-Jess

Update

All right this is going to be really quick since I'm falling asleep right now and said I wasn't going to go on the computer.

All right I've seen about a million movies this past two months, and these movie are: Ghost Rider, Smokin Aces, Norbit, Zodiac, Wild Hogs and 300.

Nice line up right? Well I'm not going to go in to any EXTREME detail about any of them except for 300 [a full review will be up within the next day or so PROMISE]


Ghost Rider: 6 flaming ass skulls out of 10. No joke this movie blew, I've said this a million times all ready, it was like watching a high school production with that one kid that can act, you know, Nic cage, and the hot chick with the boobs, you know Eva Mendez. The action scenes we're top notch though.

Norbit: 5 more eddy Murphy movies where he puts on a fat suit and we all cringe out of 10. I won't say that I didn't enjoy this movie, but all in all this movie was ridiculously ridiculous! Other than Murphy's character Mr. Wong and the good Christian nature of Norbit, that's until he gets mad and tries not to curse, it's endearing on the boarder of annoying.

Smokin Aces: 9 badass mama jammas out of 10. This movie ROCKED, holy shit, with the bang! And the BOOM and the *gun noises* and the aww's and the STONED ASS JEREMY PIVEN! *squeels like a little girl*. Any action movie fan will love this movie, I mean the plot is simple, ok no I lied the plot is quite confusing and might take a while before you start going "Oooh". But here's the basic layout, mob wants guy dead, mob sends out hit for a million simloeans, best hitmen and women [MmMmMmm Alicia keys] show up, hillarity, violence, and sadness ensue. I can't even begin to tell you how many stars are in this movie, just go here, IMDb knows all. I will agree that some parts were a bit silly, but then again, it is an action movie, with a little bit of comedy and a little bit of gore.

Oh and I'm secretly [or not so secretly anymore] in love with Jeremy Piven [who plays the man the mob wants killed] and this line right here solidified my love for him:


"What do you see right now? You see exactly and only what I choose to show you. That is illusion Ivy that is the lie that I tell your eyes. Makin' the magic happen in the moment, in that split second. I can shape it, I can shift it, I can make it as real as this room. That is why I am valuable here Ivy and that is why you are not. I am sorry, I love you, I never wanted it to be like this, you know that. " -Buddy "Aces" Israel.

Zodiac: 8.5 HEY I LIVE IN VALLEJO'S out of 10. I loved this movie, although it was two hours long, there was enough suspense to keep it alive for those two hours. Yes there were parts where I wanted to punch Jake Gyllenhall in the face, not because he was bad in it, in fact I enjoyed him in this part, but his obsessive character added with his droning almost monotone voice would make me want to strangle anyone. Another couple good performances were by Mark Ruffalo, that's right Mark Ruffalo, I really hate this man, but after seeing him in this movie I have a new found respect for him... even if he did look a like Columbo.
Wild Hogs: 6 old dudes on Harley's our of 10. I don't want to say too much about this movie since it would give it ALL away. I'll say this, you got a boyfriend, you got a lesbian lover, you got a husband, take them to this movie; it's so chock full of macho and homophobia, it'll have your partner in stitches. Stars Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy [Whom I ADORE] and John Travolta. There are a couple of cameos such as Ray Liotta [MEOW] as the leader of the biker gang that Travolta's character insults by cutting the gas lines on their bikes and accidentaly blowing up their bar. Oh did I give something away... it was funny anyway.

Tomorrow... 300!



-Jess

The Show Must Go On!

I know, I know, I know, just leave me the hell alone you invisible people! Telling me to do more review's, I'm workin' on it I'm workin' on it!

Yeesh.

I promise that my reviews for Ghost Rider, Smokin Aces and Norbit will be up within the next week or so. [Yes I saw Norbit, no I wasn't disappointed... that much] I've been practically living at the movies these past couple weeks, the man friend and I haven't had much to do lately, so we've been seeing a LOT of movies.

Which is cool with me.

For Now, here's a picture of my hero.

-Jess

The Decent

In this past month I've been in movie heaven with my recent membership to netflix, I'm beginning to add every damn movie I have ever wanted to see in my entire life; needless to say, my family's starting to realize they need to start putting their movies in it, or they'll be watching things like Hard Candy and Carrie for the rest of our netflix careers.

And knowing them, they would blow a blood vessel with all the good entertainment they'd be ingesting.

But anyway, I was able to get 2005's The Decent, and let me tell you, I am SOOO glad I did. I'm not going to do a full review simply because most of the people who read this have seen this movie and have been telling me for two years now to get off my lazy ass and get it; I should have listened.

5 friends every year go out and do some type of extreme sport, this year it's spelunking, oh you know, cave diving, the normal kind of stuff friends do. The year before they went white water rafting, that year the main character Sarah [played BEAUTIFULLY by Shauna MacDonald] got in to a horrible car accident because her husband was preoccupied with something, he and their young daughter Jessica [the second horror movie I saw within the past two months with a young girl whose stole my name] died.

Of course you find out later on in the movie, though they never say it out right, her husband was primarily preoccupied with Sarah's extreme friend Juno and Sarah's best friend Beth, knows. Oh she knows and she's all up in Juno's face once the bat people come to eat them.

All right let's get back to the spelunking, so they decide to go caves they all think are level 2's, you know baby caves. But what they don't know is that crazy extreme Juno has found some caves that no one has EVER been in. That is until Sarah gets stuck and the cave almost falls in on her and then the truth comes out as do the claws.

And then the bat people come out and try to kill them, and then Juno kills Beth and Sarah almost gets killed a million times and and and!!! AHHHH!!!

That's all I'm going to say, because that's how it is.

It's gets a 9.5/10.

Only a .5 minus for the bat creatures, look up Bat boy the musical and you'll see why.

-Jess

The Messangers

Now I thought I was going to see a movie that would get me out of this funk.

And boy was I wrong.

The Messenger's is a PG-13 Pang Brothers production. That's right, the Pang brothers, you know Danny and Oxide, the twins? Aww come on Gin Gwai?! Chow lok yuen?!

Of course you don't know them, their English film work isn't exactly known, because there really isn't any. If you haven't heard of them, don't feel too bad, their Chinese horror film guru's and that's what counts.

Right?

Wrong, this movie was almost as bad as mushu beef without the beef, I mean it tried hard to be scary, but American youth needs more than what they could give; It just wasn't enough.

The movie starts out in black and white, a family is being chased in their home by something you don't see, they're being terrorized by this thing, thrown around the house, and in the end all are dead, you don't see it, but the implication is there, you get it.

The next thing you see after the credits is a nice looking family driving through the country with a trailer, looking like all nice looking families do. The trailer isn't the best looking thing on the planet, so these guy's can't exactly be the richest people, right? There is obviously some tension between the family, especially between the mother and the daughter and herein lies the plot of the movie... seriously.

Let me lay it out for you; The Solomon Family moves to old abandoned farm in North Dakota to plant sunflower seeds because it's their only chance left...[BECAUSE]... Somewhere along the lines their teenage daughter Jess messed up, and got her license suspended...[BECAUSE]... She was drinking and had to pick up her little brother from somewhere and got in to a car accident, where little Ben got very hurt and he hasn't talked since...[IN TURN]... They spend their life savings on Ben's hospital bills, a whole two years worth. Immediately after getting there you know the place is haunted, the crazy crows all over the place, the withering siding, the ghost pictures on the windows, the locked doors to the cellar, which is obviously the bad place. You know the usual.

Then the crazy shit starts happening, Ben starts chasing things in the night giggling, Jess finds a weird watch in the cellar, crows attack Daddy Roy, Something tries to drag Jess down to the cellar, then the house starts shaking and shit starts breaking and we're all scared and clichéd out! All the while this is happening, the sunflowers are growing, Jess is meeting a nice boy named Bobby, a wanderer named John in working on the farm and living in the help quarters. He's gotta be important somewhere, other than he's got a shot gun and scares off crows.

But of course no one believes the untrustworthy teenage girl, no they're aren't ghosts in the house, no one's trying to kill you. But you're wrong! There is a creepy little dead boy, like in The Grudge and every other Japanese horror movie ever, and he's trying to lead the creepy little alive boy in to the cellar...TO HIS DEATH!! Do you see what I'm saying now?

Anyway back to the plot! The plot yes, where did I put the plot *shuffles through some papers* well it's a little mixed up, but it has something to do with revenge.[Dont go Daddy Roy!]

I won't go in to anymore details about the ending because I explain it not so subtly when I talk about the acting and the details of why I hated the movie next, but let's just say, the ghost's get what they want and the house is all better now.

Dhurrr....

Now why I hated the movie... :D

Let's just say these people looked like they were looking for work. Dylan McDermott, you know from The Practice, yea he plays the daddy Roy. Penelope Ann Miller is the mommy Denise, Evan and Theodore Turner play the creepy little mute boy Ben and Kristen Stewart plays the angry teenage daughter Jess; who inevitably is the lead character of the movie.

What's that, you've never heard of any of these people either? Wow, this movie is chock full of unknown shit huh?

The acting in this movie is like watching paint dry, everyone seems to take their time working up to whatever point they are trying to make, weather it be "I'm uncomfortable to" a blank stare in to the abyss. The interaction between family members is like cardboard, they have to act dysfunctional while hiding the dys part, needless to say, they didn't pull it off it was all "Dys" without the functional. I will say this though, I thought John Corbett as the "crazy wandering guy with the shotgun who used to live in the house and killed his family there that's why all the ghosts are here but you don't find out until the last 10 minutes of the movie, and is now working for Daddy Roy" guy named John, was great. Of course he also looked like a child molester, and that's just the type of guy I go for.

Ewwww....

There was also a lot of unexplained things, which is the way horror movies are suppose to work, you're suppose to figure these things out on your own. But this movie doesn't let you, see it let's you forget about something, then throws it back in hoping you don't notice... but you do, you can't help but notice. You're left sitting there saying "What? Where the fuck did that come from? Why is he? BLARGH!"

The movie works in one way and that it surprises you with sound, not imagery, the imagery is dark and shadowy, not something we haven't seen before. But the music and sound effect in the movie were spectacular, it had you shaking in your booties before the scary part even started, which wasn't scary so of course now you're sad.

Other than that, if you're in for a scary movie in this genre, go pick up the ring, or The Blaire Witch project.

I give it a 3 dead crows out of 10.

-Jess