The Messangers

Now I thought I was going to see a movie that would get me out of this funk.

And boy was I wrong.

The Messenger's is a PG-13 Pang Brothers production. That's right, the Pang brothers, you know Danny and Oxide, the twins? Aww come on Gin Gwai?! Chow lok yuen?!

Of course you don't know them, their English film work isn't exactly known, because there really isn't any. If you haven't heard of them, don't feel too bad, their Chinese horror film guru's and that's what counts.

Right?

Wrong, this movie was almost as bad as mushu beef without the beef, I mean it tried hard to be scary, but American youth needs more than what they could give; It just wasn't enough.

The movie starts out in black and white, a family is being chased in their home by something you don't see, they're being terrorized by this thing, thrown around the house, and in the end all are dead, you don't see it, but the implication is there, you get it.

The next thing you see after the credits is a nice looking family driving through the country with a trailer, looking like all nice looking families do. The trailer isn't the best looking thing on the planet, so these guy's can't exactly be the richest people, right? There is obviously some tension between the family, especially between the mother and the daughter and herein lies the plot of the movie... seriously.

Let me lay it out for you; The Solomon Family moves to old abandoned farm in North Dakota to plant sunflower seeds because it's their only chance left...[BECAUSE]... Somewhere along the lines their teenage daughter Jess messed up, and got her license suspended...[BECAUSE]... She was drinking and had to pick up her little brother from somewhere and got in to a car accident, where little Ben got very hurt and he hasn't talked since...[IN TURN]... They spend their life savings on Ben's hospital bills, a whole two years worth. Immediately after getting there you know the place is haunted, the crazy crows all over the place, the withering siding, the ghost pictures on the windows, the locked doors to the cellar, which is obviously the bad place. You know the usual.

Then the crazy shit starts happening, Ben starts chasing things in the night giggling, Jess finds a weird watch in the cellar, crows attack Daddy Roy, Something tries to drag Jess down to the cellar, then the house starts shaking and shit starts breaking and we're all scared and clichéd out! All the while this is happening, the sunflowers are growing, Jess is meeting a nice boy named Bobby, a wanderer named John in working on the farm and living in the help quarters. He's gotta be important somewhere, other than he's got a shot gun and scares off crows.

But of course no one believes the untrustworthy teenage girl, no they're aren't ghosts in the house, no one's trying to kill you. But you're wrong! There is a creepy little dead boy, like in The Grudge and every other Japanese horror movie ever, and he's trying to lead the creepy little alive boy in to the cellar...TO HIS DEATH!! Do you see what I'm saying now?

Anyway back to the plot! The plot yes, where did I put the plot *shuffles through some papers* well it's a little mixed up, but it has something to do with revenge.[Dont go Daddy Roy!]

I won't go in to anymore details about the ending because I explain it not so subtly when I talk about the acting and the details of why I hated the movie next, but let's just say, the ghost's get what they want and the house is all better now.

Dhurrr....

Now why I hated the movie... :D

Let's just say these people looked like they were looking for work. Dylan McDermott, you know from The Practice, yea he plays the daddy Roy. Penelope Ann Miller is the mommy Denise, Evan and Theodore Turner play the creepy little mute boy Ben and Kristen Stewart plays the angry teenage daughter Jess; who inevitably is the lead character of the movie.

What's that, you've never heard of any of these people either? Wow, this movie is chock full of unknown shit huh?

The acting in this movie is like watching paint dry, everyone seems to take their time working up to whatever point they are trying to make, weather it be "I'm uncomfortable to" a blank stare in to the abyss. The interaction between family members is like cardboard, they have to act dysfunctional while hiding the dys part, needless to say, they didn't pull it off it was all "Dys" without the functional. I will say this though, I thought John Corbett as the "crazy wandering guy with the shotgun who used to live in the house and killed his family there that's why all the ghosts are here but you don't find out until the last 10 minutes of the movie, and is now working for Daddy Roy" guy named John, was great. Of course he also looked like a child molester, and that's just the type of guy I go for.

Ewwww....

There was also a lot of unexplained things, which is the way horror movies are suppose to work, you're suppose to figure these things out on your own. But this movie doesn't let you, see it let's you forget about something, then throws it back in hoping you don't notice... but you do, you can't help but notice. You're left sitting there saying "What? Where the fuck did that come from? Why is he? BLARGH!"

The movie works in one way and that it surprises you with sound, not imagery, the imagery is dark and shadowy, not something we haven't seen before. But the music and sound effect in the movie were spectacular, it had you shaking in your booties before the scary part even started, which wasn't scary so of course now you're sad.

Other than that, if you're in for a scary movie in this genre, go pick up the ring, or The Blaire Witch project.

I give it a 3 dead crows out of 10.

-Jess